Do Not Shave Your Eyelashes

For a long time, the life lessons that I had to pass along were embarrassingly limited. The only one I could think of was this:

Locate your glasses before removing your contacts.

I realized that was a pretty skimpy experiential learning legacy to pass down to those who come after me. So, I’ve thought about it slightly more systematically now, trying to be alert for obvious pearls of wisdom like my title above, which I stole directly from the warning notice on the electric shaver I bought.

With a new year upcoming–actually, considering the last couple, maybe we should say a new year is looming–I figured I’d go ahead and share what I’ve got so far, a list for which I’ve chosen a title that’ll make it easy to change if I think of something really useful down the line.

What I’ve Learned So Far

Do not shave your eyelashes.

(As noted, props to the thoughtful folks at Wahl for this one.

Locate your glasses before removing your contacts

Even if every card in your deck is an Ace, they won’t make a good house.

Remember: if time and space are endless in all directions, you’re smack in the middle of both—wherever you are, and whenever you are.

Getcha a nap when you can. You might need it later.

Speaking of naps, if you know you’re going to have a lot less time to sleep at night than might be ideal, try this: tell yourself, “this is going to be a NAP–it’ll be, for example, a 3.5 hour nap, and compared to a normal everyday nap, that’s like a little sleep festival.”

(Even if this makes you feel better about being sleep-deprived, how ’bout let your buddy drive?)

Stupidity is the worst kind of loneliness.

Definition of a friend: a friend is someone you wouldn’t hesitate to call at 3 in the a.m. to come get you out of a jail in Mexico—or even in Mississippi.

Don’t be so focused on avoiding a wolf in sheep’s clothing that you fail to realize you’re being bitten by a rabid dog.

(If you wanna make this one political, it’s easy. Just change the word “clothing” to “pantsuit.”)

Before getting all impressed by a coincidence, consider how many non-coincidences were happening at the same time. Betcha can’t count that high.

Rarely say never.

(If you say, “Never say never,” after all, you’re contradicting yourself.)

Don’t contradict yourself. Other people will do that for you plenty.

Oh yes, they will.

(Next you’ll be arguing with me about stupidity, saying it’s NOT the worst kind of loneliness, like, I don’t know, you’re some kind of authority on it all of a sudden?!)

Moving on now, if you please, with a few things to avoid:

  • Rented trucks (commonly driven by those who are out of their vehicular depth)
  • “Gentlemen’s” Clubs (especially those that are NOW HIRING)
  • Cellmate Tattoos
  • Lists of things to avoid that are obviously incomplete.

Oh, and finally, for now, remember:

The less we know, the more we don’t do about it.