Coalition Of Animals & Toddlers Mulling Legal Action

One of the few bright spots for US manufacturing has been dealt a potential setback. Less than two weeks ago, the Association of National Metaphor Manufacturers released a bullish forecast on the outlook for the industry. However, ANMM spokesman Peter Wulfenstetter cautioned, during an impromptu press huddle earlier today, that progress for the broader industry could be at risk if legal action on the part of two of the most reliable long-standing resources for metaphor makers goes forward.

An unprecedented alliance between two metaphorical mainstays gained momentum  when both were featured in unflattering connections by the UnPresident. Even a person with mid-level imaginative capacity might’ve recognized the unifying potential of calling one former associate a dog, another a rat, within a week of each other. But this unfortunate sequence corresponded with the arrival at the breaking point by the single group invoked most often in the desperate quest for understanding:


Canis familiaris and Rattus rattus have attempted rapprochement numerous times over the years based on their shared disdain for Felis catus. But aligning the powerful toddler and dog lobbies with that of a segment of the animal kingdom much less dominant on YouTube, so lacking a political voice, is expected to be a turning point. It was widely acknowledged that Rattus rattus would be able and willing to attend to the unsavory, extra-legal but necessary dirty work that ideally operates on a parallel track with higher profile public action.

The tactical approach to be employed by the Dog and Toddler lobbies was not available at press time, a situation attributed to the obvious fact that only the parents of each group are fully qualified to translate with precision. But the Mom for one of the rabble-rousing Toddlers is, coincidentally, the adoptive Mom of one of the politically motivated Pups, and, after apologizing for “getting off on a rant,” she distilled the case that the litigants are expected to make:

“Dogs and Rats and Godzilla Types and Snakes and Carnival Barkers and Batman Villains and Cancers and Drunk Uncles and Varietal Diseases and Random Impulse Generators…and, by God, TODDLERS were not put on this earth just to try to help you people get your heads around the fact that you’ve made pure Poison the most powerful single entity currently in existence. If you want to avoid litigation that’ll have universal public support, you’ll take this bit of advice: Give up on all that linguistic contortion, all that idleness disguised as activity, all that flailing around for understanding…and DEAL WITH IT.”